Shaky

Shaky

  Me. 31. Former writer of assorted spandex bollocks and crime-prose nonsense. Self-suspected coward. Master of self-distraction. Nice hat. 100% doomed.

Elisa

Elisa

  Elisa. Early 30s. Highly + unavoidably tasty– tho frostier than an eskimo’s arse. damaged (same as everyone). Something about looking after her mum for years then watching the world go to shit straight after. thinks she wasted her life. Probably did. Got that bottled-up anger shit going on– could crack @ any moment. Disapproves… Continue Reading

Boy

Boy

Boy. Somewhere between 7 and 12 yrs old, how the fuck should I know? Unimaginative fucking name. Doesn’t talk, ever, so he gets called what he gets called. Got a tongue, so presumably traumatised or retarded or etc. Seems a nice enough little guy, for a podgy non-speaking uselessness-botherer. Yes. I read “Lord of the… Continue Reading

John

John

John. Former para. 20ish. 2 tours in Iraq (he says). Thicker than a elephant’s arse. Good w/ a gun. Goes on about finding “the cure”. Probably read too many comics. Possibly ones I wrote. KABLAM = everything’s fixed. Poor fuck. Spent some time (when 1st arrived) giving it the old hut-hut-hut, drill Sarge, I’m-in-charge bollocks…. Continue Reading

Seline

Seline

Seline. 40ish. Resident Yank. Be too lazy to describe her as “crass and loud”, so let’s go with “crass, loud + fucking nosy.” Too many questions. Always wants to talk. Stammers. Prays too much. Don’t begrudge it – just don’t keep me a-fucking-wake while you’re cloudbothering, right? Does most of the cooking. Pretty good at… Continue Reading

Sophia

Sophia

Sofia. 30ish. I have nothing to say about Sofia at this time.      

Rab

Rab

Rab. 50’s. More Scottish than a caber-tossing haggis. Captain Birdseye w/o the kiddie-fixation. Fisherman, before all this. Possibly spent time on Cava *voluntarily*, the nut. Founded the community. Keeps the rest of us alive, but always grudging about it. Think he’d rather be looking out for himself, not playing politics + dealing w/ people. Too… Continue Reading

Don

Don

  Don. 40’s. Real name John. Poison dwarf. Sly, string-pulling, venomous little politico. Snores. Former Oxford lecturer. If this is Animal Farm, he’s the fucking pig. The most evil human being on the island, or its one true saviour. Possibly both.

Mr & Mrs Masoud

Mr & Mrs Masoud

  Mr & Mrs Masoud. Her: Amina. Early 40’s. Pakistani. Quiet, shy. Seems more religiously observant than her hubby, for what that’s worth. Don’t know a single other thing about her. Mr M keeps his fam to themselves. Him: don’t know his first name. “Mister”. Probably late 40’s? Manages to be aloof and separate w/o… Continue Reading

Roshan

Roshan

Roshan. 15. Write that again just so it goes in. 15. Flirty. Delib pisses-off parents. Often sad, but… Still a spark in her eye. Youth? Hope? Faith? Whatev: not numb yet. Can’t decide if healthy state or not.

Tabitha

Tabitha

Tabitha. 30s. Frilly fucking hippy. Artist. Earth-goddess commune-with-nature type. SHOULD be irritating, despicable, useless. But better than anyone. Art for pure purpose. WANT.

The Twins

The Twins

The Twins. Edith & Christine. 40s. Which one’s which? One’s got gammy leg (polio?). Inseparable. V. religious. Mad. 100% annoying. Faint smell of mothballs. Think they lived @ Stromness before Crossed thing– mental spinster cobweb-cunted Susan Boyle types.

Maria

Maria

Maria. 60s. Self-elected matriarch. Prob Windrush generation – still lot of Jamaica in accent. “Beer Can = Bacon”, har har. Looks after kids. Motherly, tender, nice – till pissed off. Mean streak. One chilly dame when she’s gotta be.

Skip

Skip

Skip. Late 30’s. Thrilljunkie Australian cliché. Keeps his dreads immaculate. Married (are they married?) to Jackie. Inflated sense of self-importance cos he knows engines + has The Boat. The! Holy! Boat! Brave. Lucky. Nice enough kinda guy, for a chasm-gobbed wallaby-pest.

Jackie

Jackie

Jackie. Mid 30’s. Human wasp. Gossipy sneak. Hides behind Skip, spoils her kid. Northern accent. Permanent expression suggests frequent sucker of lemons. (Unfair. She doesn’t like me so honour demands I hate her too. Perfectly decent woman, for all I know.) (But probably not.)

Lance

Lance

Lance. 12ish. Jackie + Skip’s kid. Looks more like mum than dad, ie: pubescent weasel acnefactory. Bullies other kids. Lords it about cos both parents on council. Greasy little smear of humanity. Or: frightened kid copying his dad’s cool. Cries most nights. Caught him sucking his thumb twice.

Des

Des

Des. 35ish. East London wideboy – says he was on a family trip up north when it all kicked off. Watched his brothers die. Classic dickswinger response: full w/ anger/aggression/revenge. All he thinks about. Violence, violence, violence. Doesn’t engage w/ group politics except where it prevents him from same. Daughter = Chanice. Most of the… Continue Reading

Chanice

Chanice

Chanice. 13. Des’s kid. Superstreet. Attitude, bling, etc. Does her best to sustain it, but clear overcompensation. Mostly: just wants her dad to notice her.

Jamie

Jamie

Jamie. 20s. Edinburgh trendy. World = tattered, but he still paints his fucking nails black. Skinny jeans, wanky hair. Good looking in a horsey way. Gay as fuck – tho not camp. Persecution complex: constantly convinced ppl having a go at him/his sexuality/his style/whatever. Mostly: ppl couldn’t give shit. Gives a worthwhile conversation, but sulks… Continue Reading

Jackson

Jackson

Jackson. 40’s? 50’s? Mental.

Viceroy

Viceroy

Whatsisname. 50’s. A ghost. A cipher. Barely even there. Agrees to disagree all the time. So profoundly boring I forget his name. Vincent? Victor? Vice-something? Reminds me of the man/woman from “Halo Jones”: massive identity-crisis — fades from reality. Probably a librarian/accountant? Smells like ash.

Lloyd & Agnes Thackery

Lloyd & Agnes Thackery

Lloyd & Agnes Thackery: Lloyd: Mid 30’s. Lord, Viscount, something like that. Dressed like a Hoxton Twat anyway. Tempting to think “spoilt posh idiot”, but that’s unfair. Wasn’t stupid. Just gave the impression he never had to do much thinking in his life. Just threw Daddy’s money at things. Not unpleasant– just a bit ignorant…. Continue Reading

Jasper

Jasper

Only just made the guy. Already hate him like herpes. West-country accent. “Moi loverrr, comboine ‘arvesterrr, get ahff moi laaaahhhhnnnnd”, all that. Reason enough to detest someone, even when they’re not a cunt. He’s a cunt. Swagger. Bullshit military discipline. Lords it over his crew. All the attitude. Beats up the black kid, Richie. Pervs… Continue Reading

Barry

Barry

Old. Incongruously dressed. No obvious skills I can see. Bit of a B.O. problem, bit short-sighted. Others seem weirdly protective of him + act like he’s special. Will ask Jasper why.

Delores

Delores

Old. Former dental nurse. (Little bit of me thinks: if you got toothache back on Cava, you’d be fucked. Maybe this bird’s useful.)

Richie

Richie

Kenyan, originally. Been in the UK a couple years – football scholarship. Treated like shit b/ Jasper.

The Gamekeeper

The Gamekeeper

Cunt.

Sister Teresa / Aoileann

Sister Teresa / Aoileann

30ish. Irish. Insert insights RE: character, appearance, etc. Insert glib joke. Insert anything at all, Shaky. Can’t, can’t, can’t. (It’s not her, it’s not her, it can’t be her, she’s dead she’s dead she’s dead.)

Ashoke

Ashoke

ASHOKE: Poor kid. Almost certainly a junkie before it all. Never talked about how he met the GK. Spaced-out but affable– avoided questions with a joke.

Miranda

Miranda

Well spoken. Posh boarding school, hence (guessing) cauliflower rugby-ears. Maori? Polynesian? No trace of accent besides wanky received-pronunciation Berkshire Queen’s English. Unusual origins, whatever they are. (Never asked).

Mark

Mark

Mark Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Man makes cheese. Knows secret arcane methods. Esoteric knowledge. Genuine sorcerer. Cheese cheese cheese. Also: complete tosspot. Quotes comedians, films, etc. Does funny voices. Wears fruity cunt-hat. Takes nothing seriously. Probably insecure. Definite knucklebait. Except: (Cheese cheese cheese)